Several comedy writers “tag” their rejected submissions to BBC topical news comedy shows in social media posts using a hashtag like #BTNRejects, #BTNNB, #BreakingTheNews, #NoisingUp, etc. so other writers can see and provide feedback on or like their ideas.
Here’s a thread of some of my news gag failures on X.
https://twitter.com/GIChowDotcom/status/1852475885603209419
I’ve gathered together here well over 100 rejects so we can see what didn’t make the grade and maybe learn something about what doesn’t work in the process – comments welcomed!
You are free to use any of these in your online content with a credit linking to https://x.com/GIChowDotcom (lmk and I will share your content on my socials!)
And for what it’s worth here’s a completely AI generated video on how to write topical gags!
A couple who were caught trying to join the mile high club before their flight even took off have claimed they were praying. A steward on the Jet2 flight said there was initially some confusion about what they were doing since one of the couple was on their knees, while the other was shouting “Oh God!”
A man has appeared in court after the largest haul of counterfeit goods ever recorded in Scotland was seized across Glasgow and Lanarkshire. He made no comment after the hearing but was seen sporting Nike trainers, a Barbour jacket, and with a Louis Vuitton bag over his head.
A church in Cambridge is holding a Doctor Who-themed Sunday Service, and officially unveiling a Tardis it acquired, that had been sitting for years in a farmer’s field. The Reverend told us the home of the fictional time lord will go down a treat with parishioners – and the Tardis is pretty epic too.
Fire services had to attend a school in West Dunbartonshire this week after a pupil set a laptop alight, following a TikTok trend for short-circuiting the devices. Luckily, no pupils were harmed in the fire, but one firefighter did injure his back, after joining in with the dance routine.
Detectives are searching for a white van after thieves stole containers of cooking oil and made off in the van during an early-morning raid in Moray. Police say they have several leads to follow already – just as soon as they finish their lunch at the recently-appeared white van chip shop.
Mr Trump has faced criticism for a now deleted social media post that depicted him as a Jesus-like figure. To be fair to the forty seventh President of the United States however, every time we hear from him nowadays, I think to myself “Jesus H. Christ!”.
Caribbean Airlines confirmed a passenger on a flight from Jamaica to New York gave birth just as the flight was landing at John F. Kennedy Airport. The proud mum said the delivery was beautiful and surprisingly painless, though she did wince at the extra carry on luggage charge.
A Tesco store in Kirkwall has been giving away bananas after accidentally ordering around 38,000 of them, almost twice Orkney’s population. It’s not yet clear how the mistake happened, as one resident said “it’s bananas”.
Swiss food giant Nestle says about 12 tons, or 413,793 bars, of its KitKat chocolate brand were stolen after leaving its production site in Italy earlier this week for Poland. Police have arrested a suspect and believe it’s just a matter of time before he snaps under questioning.
A Michelin star chef has unveiled a ten point pledge to tackle sexism in restaurants. He said there are actually twenty six points but was keeping it to a number the wee lassies can understand.
Former Google executive Matt Brittin has been confirmed as the BBC’s new director general. The hunt for a new DG threw up several highly experienced candidates but insiders say Brittin came top on the first page of search results.
Students at a Scottish university have been asked to design a tartan to mark the 250th anniversary of the American Declaration of Independence. The current front-runner eschews the traditional colour palette in favour of a contemporary tan orange with hints of bin fire.
A message in a bottle dropped from a boat off Canada has been found washed up in the north-east of Scotland. While the full contents of the message have yet to be disclosed, the finders could reveal it starts “Dear Donald” and ends with “off”.
A ‘self-cleaning fabric’ could cut laundry time by 80%, say scientists in China, who have created a special coating for clothing that enables them to be cleaned using a simple rinse cycle with no detergent. The news came as no surprise to canny Glaswegians however, who said they’ve been doing laundry that way for years.
Graves more than 100 years old could be reused across England and Wales under Law Commission proposals that also include the reopening of some burial grounds closed under Victorian-era legislation. Marketing of the graves is already underway with a BOGOF deal – bury one, grave one free.
A Chinese shipyard has been named as the preferred bidder to build two new “freight flex” vessels serving Orkney and Shetland. In what’s thought to be a world first, drop shipping will be used to deliver shipping.
Scottish supercomputer ARCHER2 is value for money, according to a report just published. It concludes that the breakthroughs delivered justify spending public money on the next generation of supercomputers – though careful readers did spot a footnote saying “written by ARCHER2”.
One hundred lucky fans have bagged tickets to Harry Style’s one-off concert in Manchester, thanks to a gift from the star to his old school. Headteacher Nigel Bielby said the lucky ticket winners were randomly selected from applicants at the school, while the unlucky ones got two tickets.
The Italian baseball team has attracted attention online when it was discovered that the team kept an espresso machine in its dugout. Other teams didn’t mind the caffeine hit giving them an unfair advantage, but drew the line when their batting lineup started with George Clooney.
Australian designer Katie Perry has won her High Court appeal against pop megastar Katy Perry in a years-long trademark case. Both sides presented lengthy technical arguments for their case, though Katy Perry, the pop singer’s counsel did end with fireworks.
A “tea planter” jailed for buying tea from around the world and passing it off as grown in Scotland made over a million pounds from his criminal conduct, a court has heard. Suspicions were aroused when someone pointed out Scotland’s got nae blooming sunshine.
MARTIANS could be humans’ ancestors, scientists have said, after finding that alien microbes could travel on asteroids from other planets. Critics pooh-poohed the idea however, one saying “the simplest life forms could never have come from microbes – you’ve only to look at the American administration”.
MSP’s have heard a troubled Scottish ferry needs new propellers as part of multi-million pound repairs after just over a year in service. One passenger said the repairs couldn’t come soon enough, as the daily row was starting to take its toll.
United Airlines recently announced that anyone playing phone audio without wearing headphones can be denied transport and, in extreme cases, permanently banned. The new rule has already caused problems, however, when on the landing approach, a call came in for the pilot.
Ryanair has been voted the worst short-haul operator in the UK as passengers criticised its poor customer service, difficult booking process and uncomfortable seats. A Ryanair spokesperson said “We can’t believe it! It’s the first time we’ve won anything!”
The Scottish justice system has been told it’s time to enter the twenty-first century after a review found that courts are still using second class post to summon witnesses. A spokesperson said it would be their number one priority, just as soon as they work out what to do with the ducking stools.
After her spouse David Taylor was arrested on suspicion of spying for China, Scottish Labour MP Joani Reid said she’s never seen anything to make her suspect her husband had broken any law. Though did wonder why they’d been getting so many phone calls asking for the Chinese takeaway.
Three-time world snooker champion Mark Williams has revealed he has a ‘serious phobia’ of tea bags. One theory is that the fear stems from the eponymous witch in the 80’s Children’s show “T-Bag” – which could also explain his other fears of rhubarb and custard.
A study has revealed that three quarters of young daters prioritise environmental values as much as physical compatibility. For Gen Zs, it seems, green views are as important as good looks, which is great news for ugly guys with lots of wind.
Hannah Spencer is a plumber, a qualified plasterer, and the woman who has just become parliament’s newest MP in a historic series of firsts.
She said she’ll never forget where she came from and can’t wait to start holding surgeries. Though won’t be available for at least three weeks, and there’s an £80 callout charge.
Chocolate bars are being locked in plastic boxes in some UK shops as police forces warn thieves are stealing them to order. The boxes make them hard to conceal, which is good news for retailers, but bad news for the man from Milk Tray.
More than 15-hundred pieces of film and television memorabilia are to be sold at auction next month. The lots include the harpoon gun from Jaws and a helmet worn by Russell Crowe in Gladiator, which have already raised interest from UK border control.
GP practices in England are to be paid £3,000 a year bonuses to prescribe weight loss drugs. Patients are advised the cash-for-prescriptions drugs won’t work for some groups, however, including big pharma fat cats.
Former US President Barack Obama has clarified that the chances Earth has been visited by aliens is “low” after comments he made about extra-terrestrial species caught attention online. The confusion arose when he mentioned the film Predator, but it turned out he meant Jeffrey Epstein.
Liz Truss has met with Donald Trump at his residence in Mar-a-Lago, sharing a photo of the moment on social media. She captioned the image “right about everything”, to which the internet quickly added “just be Cos”.
A 70-year-old former trading standards officer is to compete in the world axe and knife-throwing championships after teaching himself the sport in his own garden. His neighbours are said to be thrilled, as one asked “does this mean we can let the cats out now?”
GI Chow 
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