This is one of the funniest radio sketches I’ve ever heard but I couldn’t find the original script or even a transcript online so here it is!
There are more poignant sketches like their Corner Shop (for TV https://youtu.be/uRbj1Q4tXNo) but this gets close to 10 laughs per minute on average – and in fact a much higher rate, given the first laugh doesn’t come until nearly 30 seconds in.
Title: Cash Register Shop Script
Running time: 2m10s
Writer: Toby Davies
From: That Mitchell And Webb Sound S05E01 (2013) https://youtu.be/p_KlckKFFc0
Notes: 2s/line (frenetic), 22 laughs so 10/min! (hilarious)
Style: observational to surreal to ridiculous.
SCRIPT
(*) shows where the audience laughs.
Customer: Yeah, I think it’s a little bit pricey for me.
Shopkeeper: I know it does seem a little expensive, but I think you’ll be pleased you made the investment. This is one of the best cash registers on the market.
Customer: Well, I’m sure you know your stuff when it comes to cash registers. I, I’ve never seen so many cash registers in one place. Cash registers as far as the eye can see.
Shopkeeper: Yeah. Well, well, we specialize in cash registers, as you can tell. We only sell cash registers.
Customer: What about that?
Shopkeeper: That’s my daughter’s saxophone. She picks it up here for her lesson. Now, about the cash register.
(*)
Customer: D’you know, I think you’re right. It’s expensive, but worth it. Sold.
Shopkeeper: Excellent choice. Let me just ring it up.
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Oops. Silly me. That’s not our actual cash register.
(**)
That’s uh that’s one of the ones we sell. I’ll um I’ll just ring it up.
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Ha ha. That’s not it either.
(*)
That’s uh that’s a display model. Try again.
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, wrong one.
(*)
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Not my lucky day.
(*)
Ah, this one
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Is not the right one.
(*)
Um this one.
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Nope.
Customer: Uh, how about this one?
Shopkeeper: Good thought.
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Nope.
(*)
This one?
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Nope. This one?
FX: Saxophone parp.
Shopkeeper: That’s my daughter’s saxophone.
(**)
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Nope. So, sorry about this.
Customer: Please don’t worry. It’s totally understandable.
(*)
Shopkeeper: I I can’t help feeling we should have some sort of system to prevent this from happening.
(*)
But, uh, there you go. I’ll just try these three.
FX: Cash register ring. x 3
Shopkeeper: Nope.
(**)
This one.
FX: Saxophone parp.
Shopkeeper: That’s my daughter’s saxophone again.
(*)
FX: Saxophone parp.
(*)
Shopkeeper: And again. I mean, that’s just silly. It doesn’t even look like a cash register.
(*)
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Nope.
Customer: Should I come back later?
Shopkeeper: Nope. Don’t worry. We’ll have this sorted out in a jiffy.
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Nope. Ah, here it is. Call off the dogs. This is the one.
FX: Saxophone parp.
Shopkeeper: Damn it.
(**)
FX: Door open ring.
Shopkeeper: I I didn’t do anything that time.
(*)
Customer: Uh, it was the door.
Shopkeeper: Oh, yes, of course.
Robber: Right. Do exactly as I say. And nobody gets hurt.
(***)
Shopkeeper: Oh. Uh. Oh, right. Yes, of course.
Robber: Just give me all the money in the till.
(**)
Shopkeeper: Right. Right away.
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Nope.
(*)
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: Wrong again.
FX: Saxophone parp.
(*)
Shopkeeper: Nope.
FX: Cash register ring.
Shopkeeper: We’ll get there in the end.
(*)
END
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GI Chow 